My day Mayday

I had lunch awhile ago with a good friend, and she kind of tied up what my brother and Laurence were telling me, she was Godsend and it felt good that she is one of the very few people who can understand me.

I was told that I'm Psychotic, tortured and dark, which is pretty much how I am I guess, it's not a good thing, but hey I'm heading towards the light and choosing life.

It's been exactly 1 yr that I haven't touched KAT or COKE, and I still wake up everyday thinking and craving it, I think to myself, will this Addiction ever Die!

Just got back from my psychiatrist last night and she thinks I'm bordering on the line of Manic Depression, which isn't as bad as Bipolar but I guess any sort of depression isn't good, but hey I know where my depression comes from, and it's a secret I take to my grave.

I just heard news the other day that really saddened me, the news that us Chinese are murdering our own kind, first a shootout in Cyrildene and then a murder at the old age home. I think to myself..........Where have all the Good people Gone??

So tired, so dumb, so numb.

Sensing me

1000 smells have crossed my nose & I've smelt nothing
1000 sounds have come into my ears & I've not heard one thing
1000 images have passed my eyes & I've not seen one thing
I've touched a 1000 objects & felt nothing

My senses are dead
I'm dead
I'm dumb & numb
I've been Dumb & numb & I haven't even realised it
I'm a zombie in a world of monkeys

To regain my senses & become alive,I've shut down my senses one at a time for an hour,this way I have to rely on my other senses.
In doing this I feel my senses returning to me

1000 smells have crossed my nose & I smell them
1000 sounds have come into my ears & I hear them
1000 images have passes my eyes & I see them
1000 tastes have entered my mouth & I taste them
I've felt a 1000 objects & become aware of them.

I am my senses & my senses are me.

21 Oh Seven Twenty 10

I'm on a plain,
I can't explain,
I'm slowly going insane,
Fading from this dark pain,
to Spiritually insane.

Tired of living in shadows, scared to be in the light, trapped between spaces, I cannot explain.
I've got to find my flow, feel myself implode, slowly lost and it will be found.

I'm sane
I'm in dark pain
This is all I can explain.

17 June twenty 10

I am Air, lost in all directions
I am Water, passive for all the wrong reasons
I am Fire, angry as a furnace with everything and anything
I am Earth, stable and solid not moving anywhere, just being where I am
I am Confused, I need direction.

I am he, and he is I

Third of June 20 ten

Just watched a very interesting documentary last night, it was about the devil making it's way into the world through music, especially Hip Hop, have you ever noticed that Hip Hop has gone darker, I mean they wearing shit like skulls and stuff, whereas that kinda shit used to be tied to heavy metal and stuff. The interesting thing about it is that I normally don't believe in any of this, but watching this documentary really opened up my eyes. I mean big names like Jay Z, Beyonce, Rihana are all associated with the cult, really scary stuff, very disturbing indeed.

It's just way too much to blog, and after watching the documentary last night,I came to a conclusion......."We are not privileged that we know God, we are privileged that God knows us" read this carefully and then you'll understand.

Peace out Bloggers!!

Let's See

"I'm only happy when it rains, I'm only happy when it's complicated, I'm only happy when it rains...pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me"
These are the song words from the band "Garbage", it kept on playing in my mind this morning, I have no idea, why I remember the words, I just do.

The nice thing about taking your own pictures (whether it be with your cellphone or point and shoot camera) is that you your own judge and that there is always a story behind the image that you take, I mean if you think about it, why do you take a picture of something, random or not, the stories behind images are the nicest things around. I just want to take pictures of everything, I can just see myself getting up at 10am every morning, going to a side cafe on the street corner, whipping out the camera and start taking pictures of everything.

I think I can do Street photography, only problem is that you need to watch your back the whole time, and that's the scary thing.........
Oh well, there is so much stories to tell on and from the streets, it's like a separate entity altogether. Behind every image is a story, and I want to be the one telling a story.

What the F@ck

Seriously man!!

I don't know what the hell is up, I'm fucking up on my jobs, it's like I'm not here, I mean my body is present, but my mind seems to be lost in Transition. I'm not where I'm suppose to be, it feels like I'm being disconnected which is nice sometimes but not all the time, I think it's just personal issues tearing me apart, and the shit thing is, I could reconnect easily, but it seems that the more I can control my mind, the more intense it becomes, almost as if there is this constant battle going on with me on the inside. The more control I have, the more problems I get. I mean come on, can the universe stop fucking with me and just let me chill abit.

Clearly I need a holiday, I can't wait for 2010 to be over, all this work is killing me slowly, I don't feel the vibe building up to 2010, all I feel is irritation. I want to explode, but don't want to freak out at the wrong people, so let me swallow this explosion, because I feel myself imploding.

This is not a cry for help, this is just me having my freak on.........

Today

I feel like I can't write anymore, all I'm doing is putting pen to paper and letting my thoughts run wild, I feel there is no pattern to my writing and it sucks, my only writing which is personal always seems to dark to blog. I've finally completed the Studio Photography course, and I kind of miss it already, I wish I had more time to explore, there's so much happening around, my thoughts are going into a frenzy, I feel I just need to sit a full hour to gather my thoughts and take control again, my thoughts and feelings just need to be filtered down into my mindless glass jug, from there I can sort out right from wrong.

I don't want to be here at Scan anymore, the transparencies that Justin talks about are disappearing, they being replaced by labels, everyone is being labeled, you this and you that.....Fuck that shit, a label doesn't make you who you are, I believe your character is what makes you, I mean to me a Doctor and a Prostitute are the same thing, work is work it doesn't matter what you do, as long as you do what you do is good for you.

I want to do another magazine, my last one was entitled "Love and Fear", I think this one will be called "Pity for the City"

I want to take a day off from work and just spend it by myself, I don't want to think about work, Stacey, home, I just want to pack a lunch, mission off to the park with my camera, and just chill there the whole day........hmmmmmmm.......I think that's an idea, I think I'll do that next week when I get paid, I'm thinking the Botanical gardens in Melville will do me just fine.....now I'm smiling again :)

In the Mix

It's been a bag full of emotions, just heard the other day, that some of the reps aren't happy with my work, so the tell Paulette to tell me instead of them telling me directly, all I can say is...."Why bother anymore", been taking shots of Bedford Centre and their afternoon concerts, felt really good about that, feel like I can start going into People photography, so much to learn so little time. Been feeling as Strange as the weather, Volcanic eruptions, earth tremors, I feel like the world is falling apart, I still feel that if the end of the world is nigh it's end, I'm going to sit on a hill, and buy the biggest rock money can buy, and just blaze it up.

On a lighter side, the only thing making me happy now are the Photography classes, we got put in various groups this week, our group is doing Portraiture, and it consists of a Stylist, Photographer, Art director, Model and Light director. I want to do Lighting, I still feel I need to learn alot from this. Can't wait to see what happens from this.

Been feeling like the weather, some days sunny, other days gloomy, my only escape is SLEEP!!

Easter Over

Finally had a Easter weekend worth living for, met my cousins new girlfriend,(what a girl,bubbly personality) then my little cousins still buzzing with energy from the last time I saw them, then there was the food, the glorious food, spent the weekend chopping and cooking.only thing I missed was Easter Eggs, and the good ol days of Easter egg hunting. Still depressed, but feeling HAPPY (now that doesn't mean I'm happy with my depression)

I feel something is about to happen.

Shed some light

My mind just wouldn't rest, I had to say what I mean and mean what I say, I gave her a call to get the balance right, finally I understand where she's coming from, she shed her light and now I feel relieved that I understand.

Down and Out

Screening in companies is such a load of shit, I mean I had good references and along comes this stupid bitch, which I swear I will fuckin kill her, and gives me a stupid screen test, she gives her results to the company and tells them that I wont be able to handle the stress, I mean come on man, lets kick the balistics, Life is a stress, and I'm doing pretty well with it.

People say it is not meant to be, but how the fuck do they come up with this stupid analysis, especially if they not the one doing it, or experiencing it.

Oh well better luck next time, feeling depressed again, and you know what.................I'm fine with it.

One Love!!

19 March 2010

Damn....

Just got back from a screening for an interview, they asked me a shit load of questions, even brought up my drug history, was so bad dwelling in the past, felt like a loser but came out a winner, just can't believe such intense questions can be asked, but hey if I get this job it will be all worth it.

Stacey get on Facebook, this open relationship is sending me into spins, see you tonight k :)

New Year

I'm backkkkkk.......

Seems like forever since I've blogged, where to start, well new people in my life, new projects unfolding, and a secret trip to Bali is in the pipeline, so I feel that hopefully this will be my year, but lets face it, I always think that each and every other year is my year, but no ways josé, this time I feel it in my bones, I'll be blogging my trip. So till then Be cool, Stay true, PEACE!!!

Portrait of a lady

If I had wings I would fly.